The Fetish
by Pjazz
Summary: Jerry offends a magician. Elaine's feet become objects of affection. George blows his second chance with Marisa Tomei.


*************************The Fetish*****************  
A Seinfeld fan's script by pjazz  
2003  
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. JERRY AND KATE.  
  
KATE, JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND, IS IN THE BATHROOM REMOVING HER MAKE UP.  
KATE  
Much as I love being a magician's assistant I do wish I didn't have to wear so much stage make-up. It takes ages to remove. And the constant smiling. Sometimes I think my lips will just fall right off my face from all the smiling.  
  
JERRY  
We can't have that. What would I have to kiss?  
  
THEY SMOOCH  
  
KATE  
Oh, we'd think of something.  
  
SMOOCH  
  
DOOR BURSTS OPEN. KRAMER ENTERS.  
  
JERRY  
Kramer! Don't you ever knock first?  
  
KRAMER  
(TO KATE) Hey, I caught your show tonight.  
  
KATE  
What did you think?  
  
KRAMER  
Oh man, it knocked me out. The bit where the Great Soprendini saws you in half - pow!- knocked me out.  
  
KATE  
Thank you, Kramer. And look, no scars.   
  
LIFTS SHIRTS TO SHOW BARE MIDRIFF  
  
JERRY  
She's a quick healer.  
  
KRAMER  
How's that trick work? Mirrors? Body double?  
  
KATE  
That's a secret, I'm afraid. I can tell you one thing. The Great Soprendini?  
His real name's Artie Berkowitz.  
  
KRAMER  
He's not really from the Mysterious East?  
  
KATE  
Not unless you count Hoboken as the Mysterious East.  
  
KRAMER   
What about where he puts you in a sealed cabinet and sticks swords through?   
How's that done? Rubber blades? Trap door?  
  
KATE  
Sorry, Kramer. Magician's Code. I could tell you how it's done, but then I 'd have to kill you.  
  
KRAMER  
Whoa, mama!  
  
JERRY  
These magician's have got more secrets than the CIA.  
  
BUZZER SOUNDS  
  
JERRY  
Yeah?  
  
ELAINE  
(BUZZER) It's Elaine.  
  
JERRY  
C'mon up.  
  
KATE  
I've gotta go. Bye, Jerry.   
  
KRAMER  
Hey, I'll walk you to the elevator.  
  
KATE  
(LAUGHS) It won't do you any good, Kramer. My lips are sealed.  
  
KRAMER AND KATE LEAVE  
  
ELAINE ENTERS  
  
ELAINE  
Hey, check me out. New shoes. Ferragamos. From Milan, Italy.  
  
JERRY  
Nice.  
  
ELAINE  
No, no. You don't understand, Jerry. They're more than nice. Ferragamos. From Milan. Mi-lan-o! The latest style. And here's the best part. Got 'em one third off wholesale.  
  
JERRY  
One third off wholesale. Great deal. What'd you do - sleep with the salesman?  
  
ELAINE  
Well, yeah. How'd you know that?  
  
JERRY  
Wild stab in the dark.  
  
ELAINE  
There's just one small teensy weensy itsy bitsy drawback.   
I think he's only interested in my feet.  
  
JERRY  
He has a foot fetish?  
  
ELAINE  
Ye-ah. Pretty much.  
  
JERRY  
Well you see what's happened. You finally slept with all the normal guys in NYC.   
Now you're starting on the perverts.  
  
ELAINE  
Oh ha ha. And Maxwell isn't a pervert. He says I have the feet of an angel.  
  
JERRY  
Feet of an angel? I've heard of the face of an angel, voice of an angel, never the feet of an angel. What do angels need feet for anyway? Don't they have wings and fly everywhere?  
  
ELAINE  
So you've never personally found yourself attracted to a woman's feet?  
  
JERRY  
Elaine, I have feet. If I want to see feet I look down.There they are. As a rule men are attracted to the body parts women have that men don't.  
  
ELAINE  
Well, I'm being broadminded about it. I mean, one third off wholesale. Come on. Like I'm going to blow this freak off with a deal like that.  
INT. THEATRE. BACKSTAGE.  
  
IT'S AFTER A MAGIC SHOW. JERRY IS WAITING FOR KATE. HE IS IDLY LOOKING AT SOME OF THE PROPS.  
  
HE NOTICES THE 'SAW THE WOMAN IN HALF' BOX HAS A FALSE BOTTOM.  
  
JERRY  
So that's how it's done.  
  
ARTIE, THE GREAT SOPRENDINI, SHOWS UP.  
  
ART  
Hey you. This is a restricted area.   
  
JERRY  
Jerry Seinfeld. I'm waiting for your assistant, Kate.   
  
KATE ARRIVES  
  
KATE  
Jerry, you shouldn't be here.  
  
ART  
He saw the trick, Katie. He knows the secret. You know what that means.  
  
KATE  
Please, Artie. Not again. Can't you make an exception?  
  
JERRY  
Listen, I won't tell anyone. You've got nothing to worry about.  
  
ART  
That's right. You're the one with something to worry about, pal. Better watch your back.  
  
ARTIE LEAVES  
  
KATE  
Oh Jerry. What have you done.  
  
JERRY  
Me? What did I do?  
  
KATE  
Didn't you hear me warn Kramer? Magician's guard their secrets, Jerry. To the death.  
  
JERRY  
You can't be serious? It's a dumb trick. Who cares how it's done.  
  
KATE  
I can't see you anymore, Jerry. I can't bear to lose another...friend.   
Tell me, do you have anyone you can stay with outside New York?  
  
JERRY  
My parents live in Florida. But come on. Kate, please.  
  
KATE  
Go to Florida, Jerry. Stay indoors. I pray it will be enough.  
KATE EXITS LEAVING JERRY DUMB-FOUNDED.  
INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT.  
  
ELAINE IS RELAXING ON THE COUCH. MAXWELL, HER BOYFRIEND, ARRIVES.  
ELAINE  
Did you bring the Manolo Blahniks you promised me?  
  
MAX  
Patience, babe. They're being shipped from Paris. Any day now.  
MAXWELL SITS BESIDE ELAINE. HE BEGINS TO MASSAGE ELAINE'S BARE FEET.  
  
MAX  
Hmm, you have the toes of ---  
  
ELAINE  
--an angel. Yeah, I know.  
  
MAX  
'This little piggy went market, this little piggy stayed home.'  
  
ELAINE  
Are you sure you ordered the right size?  
  
MAX  
Size 7. 'This little piggy had roast beef, this little piggy had none.'  
  
ELAINE  
God, I hope they come soon.  
  
MAX  
'And this little piggy went wee wee wee all the way home!'  
  
MAXWELL UNZIPS HIS PANTS.  
  
ELAINE  
(SIGHS) Oh boy.  
INT. NIGHT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.  
  
JERRY IS ASLEEP IN BED. THE PHONE RINGS.  
  
JERRY  
(GROGGY) Who is it?  
  
VOICE  
We know you know.  
  
JERRY  
What? Know what? Who is this?  
  
VOICE  
You think you can learn our secrets and get away with it? Think again, pal.  
  
JERRY  
What do you want from me?  
  
VOICE  
Your life.  
  
CALLER HANGS UP  
  
JERRY  
Hello? Hello?  
INT. MONK'S. JERRY, ELAINE AND KRAMER.  
  
ELAINE  
Let me get this straight, Jerry. You think some magician is out to get you because you accidentally found out how some trick works?  
  
JERRY  
Uh huh.  
  
ELAINE  
Well, it's finally happened. You've totally lost your mind.  
  
JERRY  
The phone call in the night, Elaine. I'm a marked man. Kate won't return my calls.   
I'm on no sleep. I'm jumping at shadows.  
  
KRAMER  
Boy, am I glad Kate kept schtum. I'd be in the same pickle as you, buddy.  
  
JERRY  
(SARCASTIC) I'm so pleased for you.  
  
ELAINE  
So what you going to do?  
  
JERRY  
I'm taking no chances. I've got some protection.  
JERRY PATS HIS JACKET  
KRAMER  
You bought a gun? You're packing heat? Oh man, this is incredible. What make gun d'you get?  
Walther PPk? Smith and Wesson? Magnum? Like Dirty Harry ' Go ahead, punk. Make a wish'.  
  
JERRY  
Make a wish is not the line. The line is 'Go ahead, punk. Make my day'.  
And I didn't buy a gun.  
  
  
JERRY PRODUCES A TASER  
  
ELAINE  
A taser?  
  
KRAMER  
Jerry, they're toys. Childrens toys.  
  
JERRY  
The man in the shop said it would stop a 200 pound man dead in his tracks  
  
KRAMER  
You got taken for a ride, buddy. Here. I'll show you. Zap me.  
  
KRAMER LIFTS HIS SHIRT  
  
JERRY  
I don't wanna zap you.  
  
KRAMER  
Jerry, it's a child's toy. I won't feel a thing. Zap me.  
  
JERRY  
I don't wanna.  
  
KRAMER  
Jerry, man. I'm begging you. Zap me.  
  
JERRY  
Alright, alright!  
  
JERRY PRESSES THE TASER TO KRAMER'S CHEST.  
  
KRAMER STARTS TO SHAKE.  
  
ELAINE  
Kramer, are you okay?  
  
KRAMER  
Hoochie, mama!  
  
ELAINE  
I think your chest hair's on fire.  
  
KRAMER  
You see? Not a thing. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go and extinguish my chest hair.  
  
KRAMER WALKS UNSTEADILY TO THE REST ROOM.  
ELAINE  
Where's the waitress? How long does it take to serve coffee and a bagel?  
  
JERRY  
You seem a little tense.  
  
ELAINE  
You'd be tense too, Jerry, if you hadn't had sex for a week.  
  
JERRY  
You split up with Maxwell?  
  
ELAINE  
No. He's just so fixated on my feet by the time he moves higher up my body he's ...spent.  
  
JERRY  
Spent?  
  
ELAINE  
Y'know...spent.  
  
JERRY  
Ah, spent.   
  
ELAINE  
I tell ya, having the feet of an angel ain't all it's cracked up to be.  
  
JERRY  
So break up with him.  
  
ELAINE  
Not yet. He's getting me these Manolo Blahnik's. From Paris. I'll be the first person in NYC to wear them. But after that - poof! - he's history.  
  
JERRY  
Men use women for sex. Women use men for discount shoes. Seems fair.  
GEORGE ENTERS. VERY HYPER.  
GEORGE  
You'll never guess what happened to me today!  
  
JERRY  
You discovered the Meaning of Life. It's regular flossing and clean underwear.  
  
GEORGE  
It's a miracle. I was running in Central Park.  
  
JERRY  
You? Running? That IS a miracle.  
  
ELAINE  
What you trying to do - give yourself a heart attack?  
  
GEORGE  
I wasn't exercise running. It was nearly 4 o'clock. The hot dog stand closes at 4.  
Guess who I ran into - Marisa Tomei.  
  
JERRY  
Marisa Tomei the actress?  
  
GEORGE  
The one and only.  
  
ELAINE  
Didn't she have a thing for you once?  
  
GEORGE  
Yeah.  
  
JERRY  
Apparently she likes quirky bald men. Go figure.  
  
GEORGE  
There's no one quirkier or balder than me, Jerry.  
  
ELAINE  
You got that right.  
  
GEORGE  
Anyway, we got talking. Turns out she's in New York shooting a film with that English actor,  
Hugh Grant.  
  
ELAINE  
Ooooh! I loo-v-e Hugh Grant. He's such a gentleman.  
  
JERRY  
Didn't he get arrested in LA with a hooker in his lap?  
  
ELAINE  
Uh huh. A gentleman and a bad boy. An irrisistable combination.  
  
GEORGE  
I'm having dinner with Marisa Tomei tomorrow night. She wants to bring Hugh Grant along and make it a foursome. He doesn't have a date so I said I'd ask Elaine.  
  
ELAINE  
Me? A date with Hugh Grant? Omigod!   
  
GEORGE  
So you'll come?  
  
ELAINE  
Try and stop me.  
  
JERRY  
What about Maxwell?  
  
ELAINE  
Screw that pervert.  
  
GEORGE  
Some ground rules. One, no mentioning my late fiancee Susan. I told Marisa she died of an intestinal complaint.  
  
ELAINE  
Not that you accidentally poisoned her because you're a cheapskate?  
  
GEORGE  
You wanna come or not?  
  
ELAINE  
Yes, yes. My lips are sealed.  
  
GEORGE  
Two, no mentioning Hugh Grant's little escapade with the hooker in LA. He's very sensitive about it.  
  
ELAINE  
George, trust me. I'm the soul of discretion.  
  
JERRY  
Except when you're drunk. Then you're the queen of blabbermouths.  
  
GEORGE  
This is my shot at dating a movie star. Think of all the great Hollywood romances.   
Gable and Lombard. Bogart and Bacall. Now - Costanza and Tomei.  
  
ELAINE  
Grant and Benes.  
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.  
  
KRAMER BURSTS IN.  
KRAMER  
Hey, buddy. How you holding up?  
  
JERRY  
What is it with the police in this city? I ask for protection and they want proof my life's being threatened. I could be dead in my bed before they lift a finger.  
  
KRAMER  
I talked to my pal Bob Saccamano. He knows a man who has contacts in the magician community. For money he'll call off the hit.  
  
JERRY  
Kramer, that's great! Where is he? Take me to him.  
CUT TO --  
INT. DARKENED APARTMENT. KRAMER, JERRY AND A MYSTERIOUS FIGURE SEATED IN A CORNER.  
MYSTERY MAN  
So, you want my help calling off a magician's hit? Hmmm, tricky.  
  
KRAMER  
Can you do it?  
  
MYSTERY MAN  
Oh, I can do many things, my friend. I'm extremely...versatile.  
  
JERRY  
Wait a minute. I know that voice.  
  
JERRY TURNS THE LIGHT ON TO REVEAL NEWMAN.  
  
JERRY  
Newman!  
  
NEWMAN  
Hello, Jerry.  
  
JERRY  
What do you know about magic?  
  
NEWMAN  
Quite a bit, actually. Before I became a mailman I was known as 'The Amazing Newman and his Performing Doves.' Oh, I played everywhere. Vegas, Atlantic City, Miami Beach.  
  
KRAMER  
Why'd you quit?  
  
NEWMAN  
I had a little accident involving the doves.  
  
JERRY  
What sort of accident?  
  
NEWMAN  
I was in the mid west. The takeaways were all closed. No room service. I got... peckish.  
  
JERRY  
You ate the doves?  
  
NEWMAN  
With some fava beans and a nice Chianti.(SLURPS) Delicious.  
  
KRAMER  
But you can help Jerry out, right?  
  
NEWMAN  
Oh yes. I still have contacts. Ironic isn't it, Seinfeld, that I should be the one to save your miserable skin. I, Newman, should stand between you and an early grave.  
  
JERRY  
Yeah. Real ironic. What's it gonna cost?  
  
NEWMAN  
500 dollars.  
  
JERRY  
You're out of your mind.  
  
NEWMAN  
300.  
  
JERRY  
200.  
  
NEWMAN  
Alright, alright! But know this, Seinfeld, every birthday you celebrate you owe to me.  
Every Christmas. Every New Year. How's that for a magic trick. Hahhahahahahah!  
  
NEWMAN CACKLES MADLY.  
INT. DAY. ELAINE'S APARTMENT. ELAINE AND MAXWELL.  
MAX  
Here's your Blahniks, babe. Am I good or what?  
  
ELAINE  
Oooh!  
  
ELAINE TEARS OPEN THE BOX AND TRIES ON THE SHOES.  
  
ELAINE  
They're beautiful.  
  
MAX  
Since I did this for you, Elaine, perhaps you can do something for me? Walk on me.  
  
ELAINE  
Walk on you? Isn't that a bit... kinky.  
  
MAX  
C'mon, Elaine. We're both consenting adults. Wait a sec while I take off my shirt.  
MAXWELL REMOVES HIS SHIRT AND LIES ON THE FLOOR.  
  
MAX  
Okay. Ready.  
ELAINE, STILL WEARING HER SHOES, WALKS ON MAXWELL.  
  
HE SCREAMS IN PAIN.  
MAX  
Aaaarggh! What the hell d'you think you're doing?  
  
ELAINE  
Walking on you. Like you wanted.  
  
MAX  
Barefoot, you imbecile! Not in shoes. They're 4 inch heels, for crying out loud.   
What, are you insane? You could have pierced my heart.  
God, it hurts.  
  
ELAINE  
I'll get an aspirin.  
  
MAX  
An aspirin? I'm in agony. I think you broke my ribs, you dumb bitch. Call 911.  
INT. DAY. HOSPITAL.  
MAXWELL IS IN BED, SEDATED. ELAINE SITS BY HIS BEDSIDE.  
  
THE DOOR OPENS. MAXWELL'S PARENTS ENTER.  
MA  
My Maxie! My poor baby!  
  
PA  
Son. Speak to me, son.  
  
ELAINE  
Uh, he's sedated. Are you Maxwell's parents?  
  
MA  
Who's she?  
  
PA  
Must be Maxie's floozie. She looks the type. Look at her hair.  
  
ELAINE BRUSHES HER HAIR SELFCONCIOUSLY.  
  
MA  
What happened to my beautiful baby boy?  
  
ELAINE  
He has 3 broken ribs. The doctor said he'll be fine. But he needs rest.  
  
MA  
3 broken ribs? Did someone attack my Maxie? Was he in a fight?  
  
ELAINE  
Not strictly speaking, no.  
  
PA  
Who would do such a thing?  
  
ELAINE  
(BLURTS GUILTILY) I didn't mean to. It was an accident!  
  
MA  
You? You did this to my little boy?  
  
PA  
Because he didn't pay enough for your 'services'?  
  
ELAINE  
Hey, watch it, buster. Your son was the one wanted me to walk on him.  
  
MA  
You walked on my son? What kind of sick person are you?  
  
ELAINE  
Your son asked me, begged, begged me to walk on him. He's the sicko.  
  
PA  
You're not too old to put over my knee and spank, missy.  
  
ELAINE  
Listen, I gotta go. When Maxwell wakes up could you tell him Elaine said she's really really sorry.  
  
MA  
I'll tell my son his whore was here. But she'll never come near him again.  
Not if she knows what's good for her.  
  
ELAINE  
Oo-kay. That ought to do it. Nice meeting you both.  
THE DOOR SLAMS IN ELAINE'S FACE.  
INT. BAR.  
  
BARTENDER  
What'll it be?  
  
ELAINE  
Schnapps. Better make it a double. It's been a rough day.  
INT. EVENING. CLASSY NYC RESTAURANT.  
  
GEORGE, MARISA TOMEI AND HUGH GRANT ARE SEATED WAITING FOR ELAINE TO ARRIVE.  
GEORGE  
She's usually so punctual. Must be the traffic.  
  
ELAINE ARRIVES. SHE'S VERY DRUNK.  
  
GEORGE  
(GETS UP TO GREET HER) Elaine, where have you been? You're 20 minutes late.  
  
ELAINE  
Hey, Georgie boy!  
  
GEORGE  
Have you been drinking?  
  
ELAINE  
No-oo-ooo-ooooo! It'll be our itty bitty secret.  
  
GEORGE  
Marisa. Hugh. This is Elaine. Elaine, Marisa and Hugh.  
  
MARISA  
Hi.  
  
HUGH  
Jolly nice to meet you.  
  
ELAINE  
Omigod! You look just like Hugh Grant.  
  
HUGH  
Um, so people tell me.  
  
GEORGE  
Oh ha ha ha! Good one, Hugh.  
  
ELAINE  
I've seen all your movies. You know my favourite?  
  
HUGH  
Um, no idea. Frightfully sorry.  
  
ELAINE  
What's it called? It's on the tip of my tongue.... The one where you're in a car with a black woman and you both get arrested by the cops. What is it called?   
Ow! George, you kicked me!  
  
HUGH  
Let's, um, order some wine, shall we?  
George, what's your poison?  
  
ELAINE  
Poison? No-oo-oo! George didn't poison his fiancee. The glue on the wedding invites was toxic. 'Course, it was George's fault, but hoody doody.   
Ow! George, you kicked me again!  
  
MARISA  
Is this true, George? You poisoned your fiancee?  
  
GEORGE  
Technically, in a manner of speaking....  
  
MARISA  
I'm leaving. Hugh?  
  
HUGH  
Oh, uh, right. Cheerio.  
  
MARISA AND HUGH LEAVE.  
  
GEORGE  
You had to ruin it, didn't you. My one shot at a Hollywood romance my entire life.   
And you ruined it. All you had to do was make nice with Hugh Grant.   
But no, little Miss Benes has to open her big mouth.  
  
ELAINE  
George....  
  
GEORGE  
Y'know who walked in this restaurant, Elaine? Winner George. Winner George with a beautiful movie star on his arm and hope in his heart. Y'know who's leaving? Loser George. Loser George, no movie star, no hope, nada.  
  
ELAINE  
George, I don't feel too good...  
  
GEORGE  
At least there's nothing left you can do to me can make me feel any worse.  
  
ELAINE  
I think I'm going to ----  
  
ELAINE VOMITS IN GEORGE'S LAP.  
  
GEORGE  
Goddammit!  
SCENE FREEZES  
  
MUSIC  
  
CREDITS  
THE END  
Enjoy the script? Why not let me know at pjazzer2000@yahoo.co.uk  
  
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End file.
